Why Do Koreans (and other Asians) Fight Over the Check

I remember my parents almost getting into physical fights with their friends over who would pay for the restaurant bill.

No, they weren’t pushing it on to each other. No one mysteriously disappeared to the bathroom right when the check came. There was no one saying “Oh I forgot my wallet. I’ll get you next time.”

Rather, they were clamoring to pay FOR the bill.

Just to be clear. I’m not talking about super sized meals at McDonald’s (although there is absolutely nothing wrong with that…except for your health…but mm, french fries get in my mouth!). What I’m talking about are multi-course dinners at sit down restaurants.

This practice extends beyond friends and family and includes business meetings as well.

Face Time Means Something Completely Different

You see, in the Korean culture, and probably most Asian cultures, the person who takes care of the check is the highest ranking individual, in other words, the most revered. That could be due to age or wealth (they usually go hand in hand). For that person to pay for everyone else, it’s a source of pride that they can afford to provide for everyone. It’s a way to save face/retain respect.

I remembering thinking it was so odd to get that worked up about it. What in the world was the big deal? Just take turns if it’s so important. But if you’re the oldest and wealthiest person in the group, and you don’t pay, it’s like admitting that you can’t. That would make you lose face.

Since being wealthy is considered a measure of success, if you can’t/don’t pay, you’re considered less successful.

Of Course There Are Exceptions

There are exceptions for when Asians fight for the check though. Sometimes, instead of the eldest at the table paying, their children foot the bill. The idea here being that the parents raised them well and thus they, the children, have achieved a level of wealth (read: success) to pay. This, in turn, also means success for the parents. It’s a double win!

That’s a tricky situation though. There’s lots of other factors. Usually the children have to be married in addition to having a stable job that allows them to afford to pay. Marriage is a big marker of adulthood in the Korean culture. (That’s a discussion for another time. 😉)

Also, there were times my parents and their friends would pick up the tab for a dinner party that they didn’t even throw. They would do it behind the host’s back so they couldn’t be stopped. It was their way of saying thank you for the wonderful time. They would say that they knew they didn’t have to pay but wanted to show gratitude for the host bringing them altogether.

Asian vs. Dutch

Now, as an adult, I get it. I can’t say I practice it but I get it. First generation and after immigrants tend not to do this fighting over the bill as much.

I think it’s especially difficult if you’re Americanized (ugh, whatever that means and yet you know what I mean 🙄) and you’re in Korea. Then if they, let’s say older relatives, don’t let you pay, you might feel slighted. Don’t they think you can afford to pay? “I’m grown. I can pay for my way and yours.” is what you might think or even say. Or you might logically know everything that’s been discussed here but still feel like a mooch.

It’s such a contrast to life in the U.S., because if you don’t at least attempt to pay for the bill, at least your own portion of it, you’ll definitely be labeled a mooch. The idea is kind of the same in that there’s this notion of being able to afford to pay. However, the key difference is that over there, they idea is to take care of yourself and others. Here it’s more about taking care of yourself. (I’m not even saying it’s about selfishness or self-centeredness. Actually I think it has a lot to do with individuality.)

Personally I like taking turns on who pays. But if I’m dining with Korean elders in Korea, I’ll pick up on the queues of whatever my cousins are doing and follow suit. If none of them are making a move for the check, then neither do I. I’d rather have them think that I was a mooch than take the risk of inadvertently putting them down.

It’s Really Not Only Asians

Although I’m talking about Koreans here, and other Asians, it is not to say that non-Asians don’t fight over the bill as well.

I had lunch just a few days ago with a friend who’s non-Asian. She’s going through some difficult times in her life right now and needed aa ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on.

When the waiter asked if it should be one check or two, she insisted that it’d be one check and that she would pay. Even though I protested, she said “Please give me this. I have to keep my pride!” In the midst of all the turmoil in her life, she wanted to treat me to a meal as a thank you for being her friend and to show that she still could.

So this whole fight for the check business is not unique to Asians. (Maybe they’re just louder about it?)

It’s really about showing gratitude, isn’t it? Perhaps that gratitude is in showing that you can afford to pay, or perhaps it is in showing gratitude for the enjoyed company. Whatever the reason, show some gratitude in return and at least say gamsahamnida (thank you in Korean). 😉

Have you ever witnessed Asians fighting over the bill? Was it you?? Share in the comments.