Can We Please Stop Asking “Where Are You From”?
(Just a warning…I go on a little bit of a rant here.)
The other day, I was having lunch at a sushi restaurant with a dear friend of mine whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. We were excitedly gabbing away and totally ignoring the menu to order.
She was catching me up on her life happenings when our waiter interrupted. We completely expected him to ask if we were ready to order so we started to apologize when he just abruptly asked me “Where are you from?”
What the heck?…Oh but it gets better!….
I told him I was Korean but was born here. He went “ah…” knowingly (making whatever judgments I can only imagine) and then left. He didn’t even ask about our order! What.In.The.World?!
So rude! I mean, he was super nice, smiling the whole time, but still – RUDE!
Not only did he interrupt but he asked a question that wasn’t relevant to anything. We hadn’t been chatting him up or anything!
He ruined my appetite!
Why did he have to ask me? Why do we feel the need to categorize people by where “they’re from?” So by me answering, he could label me and project whatever preconceived notions he had of Koreans on to me? (Which I’m fine with btw – I just the timing was rude.)
Even the word “from” is offensive in this context because I think of where I grew up as where I’m “from”. But if you answer that town/city, then the follow up question is, “No, where are your parents from?” Well, that works in my case because they’re first generation immigrants. However, one of my friends who is Chinese is “from” four generations of Chinese-Hawaiians! FOUR GENERATIONS! He certainly doesn’t say he’s “from” China. Although proud that his heritage is Chinese, it’s terribly inaccurate as a description of who he is.
What About The Children?
What does this mean for my son and other multicultural kids who don’t look like any one ethnicity? Will they constantly be asked about their heritage just so they can be neatly categorized because you can’t tell by their outward appearance how they should be profiled?
I don’t want that for my child or anyone’s children. And yet, it wasn’t a non-Asian who asked me. It was, in fact, a fellow Asian! Don’t we get enough discrimination from people who don’t look like us (and I mean that for each ethnicity) that we don’t need it from people who do? And no, he wasn’t trying to connect with me. It was obvious that I was just a point of curiosity for him.
So what should we say instead of “where are you from”? I’ve always preferred “what is your heritage or ethnicity?”
Yes, typecasting will still occur once the question is answered but that’s human nature isn’t it? We just feel the need to make connections and draw conclusions. It’s hardwired in our primitive minds for survival. But at least by asking politely, it recognizes that there is a heritage. It’s not like a person just blinked from another country!
Forgive and Forget
It is quite possible that those words were not in our waiter’s vocabulary…not because he was a waiter but because he obviously had a tenuous hold of the English language. So I’m willing to cut him some slack for that and because I think it’s just a cultural difference. I choose to believe he meant no harm.
…But he sure did ruin my appetite…for about a second! What can I say? Their sushi is a-mazing!😉
Have you experienced something like this? I’m so sure you have! Share in the comments! Also, feel free to disagree but please be nice! 😁